NO!! He's coming!! Quick, spray some Binaca!

I just have to say, thank you to Binaca. Without you, I would have never survived those awkward moments of Jr. High when I thought, maybe, JUST maybe that really adorable boy would talk to me. Thank all that is HOLY that I had fresh breath that tasted like aerosol cinnamon.

Look at me all hot and stuff with my Binaca..spritz spritz..come here fella..come make out with me. I smell like wint-o-green, just the shitters down the hall. Mmmm I'm so sexy.

Better yet..I carry all three in my pocket just in case the mood strikes me to mix it up a tad and go completely and totally off the wall and you don't know which scent I am because AH-HA!! I sprayed them all, simultaneously, to up the antics so you shove your tongue down my throat.

Who am I kidding. The only person who even got that close to my mouth in Jr. High was the dentist and let me tell you...dental dams are not as sexy as they seem. If you use them outside the dentist office, shame on you.

You can do it Duffy Moon!!!

Just skip to minute 6.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiMxBlh2HTQ

HAMburger

I see cows on a daily basis. Which led me to ponder the thought, why in the world are they called hamburgers if they are mostly made of beef? I am aware that you can make these delicious patties by other sources of meat, but my thoughts were if they are made from beef, you still call me the hamburgers..

So I did some research. I turned to my trusty Bing search tab and low and behold, wikipedia turned up, yet again, an amazing truth. Ahm.

"The term hamburger originally derives from Hamburg,^[2] Germany's second largest city, from where many emigrated to America. In high German, "Burg" means fortified settlement or fortified refuge; and is a widespread component of placenames. Hamburger can be a descriptive noun in German, referring to someone from Hamburg (compare London -> Londoner) or an adjective describing something from Hamburg. Similarly, frankfurter and wiener, names for other meat-based foods, are also used in German as descriptive nouns for people and as adjectives for things from the cities of Frankfurt and Wien (Vienna), respectively. The term "burger" is associated with many different types of sandwiches similar to a hamburger"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hamburger

Then I saw some Llamas..but maybe they are Alpacas? Which one spits more. Maybe they both spit the same distance or maybe Llamas and Alpacas are the exact same freaking thing. If not, which one has the better wool? Wonder if Llama milk is just as tasty as cow milk...or if you can make Alpacaburgers...because apparently you can call hamburgers, hamburgers even if they aren't made out of ham.

Gas Station Gourmet

I have a confession.

I enjoy Kwik Star food.

Yesterday I had a slice of pizza, chicken sandwhich, and cheese balls. With a non-diet cherry coke.

Alright..and two Cadburry eggs.

I know..you're either super impressed or vomitting.

I'm sorry..

This has been my response to the immense amount of tattling happening in my house by a bunch of little butt nuggets that I half produced..

Ahm.

"I'm sorry, but the mother you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. If you have a grievance, complaint, or other misinformed information you would like to share...she doesn't want to hear it right now."

Take THAT spawn.

Wanna make your child cry??

I either win mommy of the year for making my child cry for my own laughter...or I win worst mommy of the year for making my child cry for my own laughter.

Kiki: tee hee hee hee la la la la I am so happy, I am a happy happy girl

Me: Hey Kiki, Mommy wants to tell you something

Kiki: hee hee hee doo doo doo ok mommy!  I love you! I'm so happy!

Me: Turned my cute rear end to my childs face that is right at the same height as the wind blows south..I got her right in the nose.

Kiki: INSANT crying

Me: On the floor dying laughing. Poor kid. I had chinese food today..I can only imagine.

Big boobies

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a locker room far far away, a more developed female peer told me that in order to say that I myself had big breasticles, I would have to be able to hold a pencil underneath one said breast. So yes, I did try this...for the remaining 10 years. Never once was I able to hold a pencil underneath one of my not so well endowed member. But alas..it struck me tonight that AH HA!! I can now biatcha! I have finally, after many years of praying to some God of genetics who failed to pass on any sort of cleavage to me, figured out a way to pass this test. Sag..all I needed was some sag. Oh yes, I did...I did just go there. Fear not, my small chested sisters, you too shall one day hold a pencil underneath your breasts and you will, in fact, beem in delight.

Heeeeeeeeere kitty kitty kitty

My prediction in the next 20 years...I will hoard cats.

Smells like Teen Spirit

FLASHBACK circa..sometime in the 1990's...

Picture this..awkward 5th grade Erin, staring at the deodorant aisle in the now defunct EconoFoods trying to find a deodorant that will suit her specific needs. Left alone to ponder such predicaments she chooses Teen Spirit. Where is the fault in this one might wonder? Little lamb haired Erin choose the Teen Spirit without antiperspirant, which in fact is a necessity when one wants to block such odors of the body. Sitting in Ms. Frettes class on a wonderful sweltering day on the 3rd floor I sniff..sniff again..before the phrase "wtf" was invented..I said "eww." Yes my friends, that is when I learned that the missing ingredient to any body odor shield will always be...antiperspirant. So this is me saying..to Ms.Frettes 5th grade class..I'm sorry that it took me 2 weeks to figure this out.

I like to Shark

HEY!! I just Sharked! Man..here I go Sharking again. Wanna help me Shark? The Shark isn't moving. I Sharked a lot yesterday. Sometimes the kids Shark. The Shark sure does get the skidders out. I Shark a lot.

sister wives

My children rotate who stands on the stool to brush their teeth at night, every day. It struck me that my three children were like sister wives to the stool. Minus the fact that one child is a boy so he's be a brother husband to the stool...anyway...so everynight, the stool gets a new child, just like a polygamist would get a new doinker. Only my kids are brushing their teeth and not..really partaking in polygamy. But they are in a sense. But not.

...Yes, I really DO talk like this all the time...

This is an actual excerpt of a conversation carried out by myself and a friend who wishes to go by the name "defythenorm"....that in itself should be an indicator as to his own weirdness. For the first sentence, he will go by his psuedo psycho name..and then he is changed to "report." For the sake of nothing. Enjoy.

 

 

 

ME: where is my shirt damnit!!!!!!

Defythenorm · 12:39pm

in japan getting printed

lol

Me · 12:39pm

umm

Report · 12:39pm

we have like another month before we get em

so much for cutting costs

bullshit shipping times

Me · 12:39pm

not to mention it's gonna come back all radiated.

Report · 12:39pm

ohh ohh maybe it will glow in the dark

raddd

lol

jk

Me · 12:40pm

so, i dont think i really want a shirt anymore.

Report · 12:40pm

lol

come onnnn

Me · 12:40pm

i suppose, it being so close to my chest, it MAY impact a 3rd nipple outta me, which could be cool

Report · 12:41pm

ur strange